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Coming Out, Coming Home: Helping Families Adjust to a Gay or Lesbian Child resources

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  Foreword to parents on whom they are still reliant for emotional and financial support, while parents go through a “maelstrom of feelings” during this phase. LaSala was awestruck by the depth and persistence of family connections, which led him to reflect on the mysterious ties that bind families together. Reading his book, I was similarly awestruck by the power, mystery, and persistence of families to stay connected in spite of everything. It also made me feel the tragedy and loss of those families not included in this study, those who could not appreciate the importance of family relationships and do not man- age to stay connected. I wish they would read this book and realize what they are missing. LaSala’s writing is refreshing, with humor and tenderness for the parents and children in these sixty-five families. He found these families’ stories went beyond the stereotypical narrative that children are victims of parents’ negative attitudes toward homosexuality and that once the parents are educated they relate better and relationships improve. LaSala achieved a broader understand- ing of the experiences of children and parents in the coming-out process. The larger context for these families is, of course, facing the fear, shame, ostracism, and rejection from societal groups: religious, cultural, and social. The courageous effort of so many parents in this book to hold on to their own values and relationships in spite of such pernicious societal pressures is inspiring. LaSala discusses what has been called homosexual stigma—“society’s shared belief system through which homosexuality is denigrated, discredited, and constructed as invalid relative to heterosexu- ality” (Herek, Chop, and Strohl2007:171). We have to remember it is only a few decades ago that theDiagnostic Manualceased to call homosexuality a mental illness. Families live in the shadow of such societal negativity. The devastating impact of peer abuse, religious and societal intimidation and condemnation is hard to overcome. So every family here has a courage that must be appreciated. LaSala has a deep understanding of family process. He explores with rich understanding the relationships of the parents and children in his study. As he describes the love of mothers he says, “It is hard to imagine anything quite as soothing for a distressed child as a mother’s love, particularly for children in this study who were being harassed by peers and felt like potential outcasts.” Most had strong relationships with their mothers, characterized by close- ness, consistency, and warmth. On the other hand, as appears generally true between parents and children, mothers tend to have closer relationships with their children than do fathers, although there were examples where fathers 01_lasala14382_fm.indd 10 3/10/10 12:50:43 PM

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